Last week we emphasized the likely causes of misunderstanding in relationship, however, I realized that there are a whole lot of people that don’t understand what it means to date and be in a relationship; talk more of sustaining or making it thrive. This therefore inform today’s topic ‘Dating and being in a relationship’, as an addendum to our previous discussion.
Dating, as derived from the word date, is an association between two parties in seclusion from other. The act of ‘dating’ requires a level of intimate movement. Howbeit, the concept of discourse, even though it’s been bastardized in the present day application /context; basically connotes the association between two individuals (mutually consenting) involved in a relationship, tending towards marriage.
Therefore being in a relationship or dating simply means the social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character (emotional and romantic in nature) with a goal or perhaps assumed outcome.
Every situation has rules and regulations guiding or shaping it, which in turn makes deviant of those flouting it. In the same vein, relationship/dating with potential marriage goal have rules for it to become sustainable and achievable, although with individual differences i.e. it differs from individual to individual.
However, these rules should be perceived more as core values, because once these items aren’t in place, dating; and thereafter relationship becomes meaningless and of course a sheer wasting of time and effort. Therefore it is important we examine these core values as they are cogent. They include:
EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND STABILITY- Dating involves affective aspect of consciousness i.e. feeling, sensibility and passion. A relationship devoid of this has not even commenced. Nevertheless, emotions can be channeled both negatively and positively, and because we are from different backgrounds, it might be difficult to swallow some negativity and insults, pride, ego etc. from the other partner; however, for the relationship to ‘stay’ , understanding, patience and tolerance must come in to play – maturity. So if you can’t handle emotional stuffs, it implies you aren’t matured or stable enough to handle relationship, and manage stress.
ENTIRETY AND NOT PARTS- it doesn’t really make sense to date someone that you are not physically attracted to. Nevertheless dating must not be solely based on physical attractions even though it plays a great part. There are a whole lot of things that makes up a being – physical appearance, inner appearance – morality, character, hard work, intelligence, etc. you need to take time to groom all of this values in yourself and also look out for it in your intending partner before you take a concrete decision to be together because in the end outward or physical beauty is not all that matters. Beauty/handsomeness with no brain is tantamount to cumbersome problems and future headache, if at all it goes beyond dating stage.
It’s a time to observe whether your partner is a nag, purse drains, pretender or even much more. Humans are the most difficult to understand but if you are genuine, time will reveal the other persons, plans and secrets.
PURPOSE DRIVEN- as earlier said, dating must have a focus. Unfortunately, the trend now is to date for a short while just for the fun of it and then ditch selves… this is absolutely contradictory to the real intent of dating. Never date a person you have no intention of a future with, don’t ‘test run’ or ‘sample’. Although, not all dating leads to aisle, however, we must have genuine expectation for our date right from the onset.
AVOID FORNICATION- did I hear impossible? It’s in vogue shey? Leave godliness outta this; it is called modesty/morality! Back in the days, our fore fathers weren’t all godly but they were morally upright and wouldn’t fornicate or take advantage of their partners while ‘in waiting’, but the reverse is the case now. That’s why most of our young chaps aged geometrically. Your partner is not your ‘bedmate’ or ‘intercourse mate’. Wait, let me ask, if perhaps the dating doesn’t work out as expected and you have had series of sex, what do you think will be your lot? Especially the female. Do you think you can still hold your heads high? Or how would you feel when you hear statements like “oh boy, that gal/ boy style bad? I can assure you that you will feel used, cheated, and you could develop trust issues later in life, or perhaps your case is that of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases…what will you do? Ponder over it.
TRUTHFULNESS AND LOYALTY- Any relationship what so ever devoid of trust is doomed. Fidelity and faithfulness is key, where such isn’t guaranteed, exit fast.
LOVE- love isn’t all if we will be realistic, but it is extremely vital. Don’t date because you were matched by a revered person, or out of pity or frustration. It brings unmendable heartbreak, be in a relationship for love but add the other essentials to make it work.
Remember, Dating is a time to relate in a common context i.e. relationship and in the process you should be able to observe and study your partner; find out his/ her mental ability. For the female, let it be a time to let go of your position and respect. And for the male, a time to let go of your ego, yet maintain your ‘headship’.
Oyedokun Bolanle Deborah.